Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Why do I do this to myself?

So TJ has been doing very well lately. I'm still juggling foods and meds, but overall he's doing well.

Why do I google Toddler Heart Transplant? Why do I torment myself? Everything I read tells a sad story of sick children who will have miserable lives. That's soooo not what I want to read.

I still want to believe and live in the fantasy that nothing is the matter, everything is normal. The truth is, nothing will ever be normal again.

I'm struggling with health insurance right now. They've raised our rates. Now I need to figure out how to afford this crappy coverage or find other coverage that won't "pre-Existing" condition him.

I worry about his medicaid. We are so dependent on it. THANK GOD we have it. I'm so terrified there will come a day that we won't be able to afford his medicine. Our insurance sucks that bad.

I googled one other time when TJ was first diagnosed with EBV, I wanted to read about that. No, I guess I really didn't. That was when I realized we'd be dealing with a much worse issue, PTLD. and boy did we deal with that. Of course if you believe what you read on the internet, no one ever survives PTLD. Again. why do I do this?

I'm stressed over our finances. I have to get back to work. There are so many things that I've got to worry about, my head aches. I just want to run and hide. THe worst being, if I make a bad decision, TJ is effected more than us.

I need to go to sleep, morning always brings about a change for me. I'll feel better.

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