Friday, June 27, 2008

What is normal?

What is normal? i used to think I knew what it was. I wanted a husband, a couple kids, to be a piano teacher, have a nice but modest home, and ENJOY LIFE! That's normal right?

Not anymore. There are days I feel like I'm sinking, that nothing will ever be right again. if you've ever dealt with a chronic condition, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I look around in stores and I see happy families. They are so carefree, they don't even know it. They're rushing around with seemingly important things, but really they're missing life because they've got themselves so wrapped up in supposed business.

I get frustrated, I want to be like that. I wish I could forget, I wish everything could just go back. I still don't fully comprehend that my son will never be 100% healthy again. I still can't believe the list of complications and conditions that we may have to deal with.

I pray that my son will live old enough to be a grandfather, but I don't know if that is realistic. That thought clenches my chest. We always want good and better for our children. I don't know if TJ will ever experience those joys.

Today it kinda struck me again how fragile our lives are. I keep thinking back to a year ago, what was I doing? At midnight, I was probably sitting next to TJ talking to the nurse or brushing his hair off his forehead. I would sit there till 12:30 or 1 AM. I would always be back down again before 6:30 to find out how he did over night. I missed my child terribly.

July 3rd will be a rough day. Once again a momentous day and I'm at the hospital for the anniversary. This time it will be the day we learned tht TJ needed a transplant. I remember these things like they were yesterday.

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