Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Who is that person in the mirror?

I know I'm not the only one who has ever had that moment. The one where you "see" yourself in a way you've never seen yourself before.

For me my battle with weight has been ongoing for years, hell, a decade. I won for 3 or 4 years then I got pregnant. Now I have fat in places I've never in my entire life even knew about and a body that reminds me of my 60 year old aunt. *shudder* How did my ass get to look like that? and never mind look, it feels HUGE!

The last month I've been doing well with WeWa and have lost close to 10 pounds, yay me! I know. But this past week has me really at a breaking point.

It's a point I've never been at before. I talk about the physical appearance and the shock the mirror can give you, because everyone can relate to that. For me, I'm having a hard time recognizing who I am period.

I used to know who I was. I was Lori, a creative, in control, fun, exciting, compassionate, live life, kinda person. I liked to meditate, ride horses, play & study piano. I was passionate about teaching and I lived for the thrill of success in my job and my hobbies.

I loved that Lori so much. I'm not that person anymore. I'm not even close to that person anymore and I've realized I'm very sad about it. I'm also very angry about it.

I keep saying that everything is going to be different "when we move," but unfortunately that move day keeps getting pushed further and further away. I feel so stifled and caged I can't explain it. People always say make sure you don't live your life for everyone else, live for you. And I agree so much with that statement. But I feel as though I'm not in control of my life at this moment. Everyone else has way too much power over me. When did that happen? I always had my own power, but I now find myself in the unusual position of feeling weak.

I know these struggles are temporary, they really seem trivial when I stop and think about what TJ & I've gone through over the last year. But they are so real for me. There is a day coming in the near future when I will be living in our new home and I will be teaching again and this will be a memory. I'll wonder why it seemed like a big deal at the time.

I keep promising myself that when we move "Lori" will return. I will surround myself with a life that reflects who I am not with a life of someone who is trying to survive and just get by.

I will have a healthy life that has exercise, good food, meditation time, Lori Time, and FAMILY time. I will once again celebrate the sunrise instead of wishing I could go back to sleep for hours. I will get my body back in shape and lose this fat aunt ass. I will be proud of my appearance and not feel self conscience about being in public with my husband.

I know I'm not the only person in the world to go through all of this. I also know there are good reasons for all of this. My life over the last 3 years has been dramatically changed. From the dropped career, to the huge move, to living with my father, to TJ's illness, my life has changed and I will never be that Lori that I loved so much.

My goal is to have my life reflect me again, whoever ME may be at this point.

I thank God for TJ. He makes me laugh so much through the day. He makes all of this worthwhile. For him I will endure anything. For me I will change to make him proud and be the Mom I want to be.

No comments: